A List of Stupid Things Phil Simms Uttered Yesterday

"For a field goal to be successful, the football has to split the two uprights and be above the crossbar!"

I don’t think I’ve heard a worse NFL commentary this season than Phil Simms’ analysis on the Pittsburgh @ Denver playoff game. It was breathtakingly stupid at best and filled with “stating the obvious” quotes and not knowing the rules of the game.

Here is just a sample of what caught my attention (and millions on Twitter obviously) from the CBS broadcast:

1.) “Denver fans are doing a good job of drowning out the Steelers fans!” – Well given that it’s a Denver home game and the Broncos were winning at the time of this comment, I’d definitely say it’s not a shock.

2.) “For it to be a forward pass, it’s got to go….forward!” on the Ben Roethlisberger backwards pass to Mike Wallace (ruled incomplete). He gets paid a six-figure salary to do this.

3.) “That’s a good timeout by the Denver Broncos, because the clock stops.” – Way to go, gumshoe!

4.) I did not have an exact quote for this, but he actually argued on the aforementioned 3rd quarter Ben Roethlisberger backwards pass that John Fox elected not to challenge that particular play because Pittsburgh would’ve only lost 1/2 yard according to him. The throw and subsequent fumble would have cost Pittsburgh about 5 yards, but they would have retained possession.

5.) “I’d try a 67 yard field goal” – Late in the 4th quarter with the game tied at 23-23, Phil Simms actually suggested Shaun Suisham kick a 67 yard field goal because of the thin Denver air. This is the single stupidest comment he made, which is saying something.

Shaun Suisham is 4-11 from 50+ yards and has made zero field goals from 53 yards or longer. If the longest field goal he’s made is 52 yards and he has a terrible record of hitting ones from long-range, why would Pittsburgh even entertain the thought of anything like that? Worst case scenario is the kick gets blocked and returned for a touchdown or the kick comes up short and leaves a chance for a Devin Hester/Chris McAllister type of runback.

The odds of a Hail Mary touchdown from the Denver 49 is WAY more likely than making a field goal 6 yards longer than the NFL record. Seriously, why were he and Jim Nantz going through great lengths discussing this in the final minute of regulation?

That was a truly horrendous broadcast to get through, and I normally like CBS.

I know I’m leaving out other pearls of nonsense but I can’t remember all of his stupidity. I’ll leave you with video of Simms’ forward pass knowledge.

VIDEO: Jon Gruden Confuses Michelle Obama With Lisa Salters

During last night’s Orange Bowl, which featured West Virginia’s 70-33 obliteration of Clemson en route to the lowest ratings of the bowl game’s BCS existence, Jon Gruden might just have put in one of the best “All black people look alike” quotes ever. Clemson called a play on the sidelines using placards — something of an increasingly more common practice in college football — and Gruden managed to mistake the First Lady of the United States with ESPN reporter Lisa Salters. Here’s some video evidence to go along with it.

Yeah of course they look the same. I mistake the two of them all the time like I do with Jon Gruden and Dolph Lundgren.

 

PICTURED: Michelle Obama and Lisa Salters....but who's who?

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY: Jerome Simpson Front Flips, Sticks Landing, Scores Touchdown

Merry Christmas everyone. Hope you are enjoying the holiday weekend as much as I have. Today’s video is Cincinnati Bengals WR Jerome Simpson flipping over an Arizona Cardinals defender and landing perfectly in the end zone for a touchdown.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and if you live in Seattle and have Comcast like me, please cuss these useless idiots out. Just because the Sonics aren’t around anymore doesn’t mean you have to lock us out of the NBA opening day.

Excessive Celebration Penalties Have Now Gone Too Far

PENALTY!

I’m officially sick and tired of the excessive celebration penalty in football, and now it has reached the high-school level. Boston Cathedral QB Matthew Owens ran for a 56-yard touchdown and looked to have the go-ahead score late in the 4th quarter against Blue Hills. Everything about the play was fine….except the part where he raised his fist in the air at about the 20 yard line. Just like in college football, celebrating before scoring a touchdown not only costs you 15 yards, but the touchdown is taken away.

Here is the play in question:

Owens, a senior playing on his 18th birthday, threw an interception on the very next play and Blue Hills would go on to win the game and the state title.

I’m sick of this. There is nothing in that video to suggest anything other than pure excitement of scoring the potential game-winning touchdown for your school. Raising your fist isn’t some sort of taunt like the official college football rules state:

“If the ball is alive when the player makes a taunting gesture, then the penalty is enforced at the spot of the foul – and the key outcome: no touchdown.’’

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! A taunting penalty, which is almost certainly a subjective call and is at the referee’s discretion, is treated the same as a holding or clipping call?

I cannot really be angry at the referees as they’re being instructed to do as they’re told, but I can be pissed off at the new rules and this new era of “controlling your emotions” in sports. Basically the NFL and NCAA decided to lump anything that could be deemed as a gesture into one gigantic bucket and will flag you relentlessly. These are not gang signs, obscene gestures, choreographed dances, simulated sex acts, etc. It’s the raising of a fist whilst running in stride and five yards in the clear!

You don’t see baseball changing the rules to take away a home run if you celebrate excessively, do you? As long as you touch all of the bases you can celebrate how you want. Goals scored in soccer always stand and at worst you get a yellow card for taking off your shirt or going into the stands. Football at a collegiate and high school level is the only sport I can think of where a legal scoring play is taken away because of a celebratory gesture. I’m done with this stupid stupid celebration topic. There is no argument to be made for the rules the NCAA has put in place.

I firmly believe there is an underlying cause to all of these befuddling decisions. This is following a long pattern of the “Self-Esteem Movement”. Dodgeball is banned in select schools across the country due to the fear of someone getting hurt or “feeling targeted”. A Virginia school actually banned tag and touch football! All of these schools hide behind the fear of lawsuit, as well. If that’s the case then they must have no money in their budget to hire an average rent-a-lawyer, because parents who sue the school because their kid got hurt playing dodgeball should have no case in court.

I’ve already gone through childhood and managed as much dodgeball, football, tag, and other rough-and-tumble games that are being taken away. I’ve taunted, been taunted, celebrated early, gotten the odd scrape and bruises, and survived. I’ll be damned if this stupid nanny state is going to seep into the high school, college, and professional ranks of sport.

End this insanity, please!

 

VIDEO: N’Damukong Suh Stomps His Way to a Suspension

Check it out after the jump….

VIDEO: Philip Rivers Fumbles With San Diego in Field Goal Range

That goofy looking grin will disappear in 3....2.....1....

I’ve never ever ever seen this happen before.

Rivers turned it over 3 times and fumbled (but did not lose it) in an overtime that probably shouldn’t have existed because of this disaster. Those pops you hear in the background are reportedly fireworks that went off outside the stadium. Apparently this spooked Rivers and only Rivers and thus you get this ridiculous ending to a terrible and poorly-played game. Oh yeah, Kansas City won this after the aforementioned fumble by Rivers in their only OT possession on offense took them from 2nd and 10 to 3rd and 18.

Thanks for justifying my trading of your services for Matt Schaub in fantasy football, Philip.