Toronto FC did not piss their pants in front of the largest crowd in franchise history. They did not blow a 2-0 lead against the evil Los Angeles Galaxy and sit on it to the point where they predictably gave up a last minute goal to tap-in expert Landon Donovan. The final score was not 2-2 and away goals in the CONCACAF Champions League knockout stage do not count as double.
Manchester United did not waste everyone’s Thursday by crashing to another European competition defeat at Old Trafford, this time against Athletic Bilbao. There was no clear offside on Bilbao’s 2nd goal and United did not give up 3 goals for the millionth time this season. Like CONCACAF, UEFA does not have an away goals rule in either the Champions League or the Europa League. The next game in Spain won’t be a total slaughter after the mediocre midfield gets torn to shreds again.
Washington Huskies basketball did not just become the first regular season winner of a major conference to plunge themselves straight into the NIT. Oregon State, a weak 18-13 and 0-2 in the regular season vs. Washington, did not go up by 15 at one point in the 2nd half. The Huskies did not go 12-26 from the line, including freshman Tony Wroten Jr. missing four free-throws in a row, when making two at either time in the game would’ve given Washington the lead. Lorenzo Romar did not fail to prepare his team away from home for the umpteenth time in the last few years. Darnell Gant is indeed having a good senior year. Today did not happen and I expect them to be in the semifinals tomorrow.
The night of March 7th and all of March 8th does not exist. It has been wiped from the history books and I’m not hiding sharp objects for the impending doom that is Washington’s inevitable tournament exit (in whatever they’re in), Toronto FC’s defensively-challenged season, or Manchester United’s trophyless season. None of this is true and I will continue to reject reality even as I see it happening right in front of my weary eyes.
I’m so confident today and yesterday didn’t happen, that this post, seemingly written today and in full view of anyone on this blog, has actually been dated March 9th in my official records.